According to Peter Pearson, co-founder of The Couples Institute, how perfect a relationship is is about how problems are solved. The answer to this question is hidden in family quarrels. Would you sit quietly and talk, or would the plates fly in the air? Family quarrels can give you insight into how your spouse will approach problems in your relationship.
Or who will change the baby’s diaper? According to Debbie Martinez, divorce and relationship coach, it’s important to say what you want about the child rather than what your spouse wants to hear. Before getting married, couples must speak honestly whether they want to have children or not. If desired, how many children and at what point in the marriage? Sex and marriage therapist Marty Klein believes that birth control planning is as important as pregnancy planning.
Few people think to ask this question; but it has to be said – the last thing you would want to know after marriage is that your partner is allergic to housework.
“Many serious relationship experiences could mean a higher risk of divorce and a more troubled marriage,” says Bradford Wilcox, director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia. The reason for this may be the potential for someone who has had many major breakups to compare their spouse to their ex. Dr. According to Klein, people are afraid to talk about their past experiences, which can lead to jealousy and judgment. The healthiest way to overcome this problem is to be at peace with and respect the fact that your partner has a life before you.
Can you vouch for me when necessary? According to divorce lawyer Frederick Hertz, partners should open up their thoughts on keeping financial adequacy and sources of income separate. It is also important for the parties to talk about their debts to each other. If there is a significant difference in incomes, Dr. Scuka proposes establishing a basic family budget based on income rates.
According to Seth Eisenberg, President of PAIRS (Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills), many people want to be alone in certain subjects besides the common life they have established with their spouses. In other words, you may not want to share your hobbies or friends, and this may cause jealousy or a feeling of exclusion on the other side if not discussed. Dr. According to Klein, the parties may have different understandings of privacy in the relationship. Dr. Wilcox recommends that couples be honest with each other about moments when they need solitude.
Dr. According to Scuka, no matter how harmonious spouses are, relationships with adults can be problematic, but the fact that partners do not want to solve problems with their parents may not be a good sign for a healthy and long relationship. Also, Dr. According to Pearson, knowing parents’ strengths and weaknesses will also help people solve problems in their own relationships.
There are only a few things more frustrating than learning that your potential mother-in-law hates you. But if you can learn this early enough, you can practice the art of flattery.
While some people approach nursing homes with good intentions, others strongly condemn their existence. You need to find out in advance whether your partner will bring their parents home when they are too old.
According to Eisenberg, couples expect their partners to be attractive. Dr. According to Klein, it is important for partners to know how they enjoy sex and how often they want to have sex for a healthy relationship. Talking to your partner about what they expect from sex is essential for both parties to be satisfied.
In his book “The 5 Love Languages”, Gary Chapman categorizes different ways of expressing love to strengthen marriage. Martinez, on the other hand, offers clients a list of five different ways to express premarital love: Speaking openly, spending time together, exchanging gifts, serving a spouse, and physical touches. Martinez suggests that such behaviors be determined in advance and that their partners provide feedback on their behavior. Eisenberg thinks that couples should feed the relationship in their own way.
Are the difficulties superior to your admiration for the other party? Couples rarely dwell on the second question, according to Anne Klaeysen. Marriage should be more than living together, it is a lifetime contract.
According to Eisenberg, keeping the answer to this question in mind is extremely helpful when dealing with the difficulties encountered while trying to reach the goals. Dr. According to Wilcox, this question can also be useful in uncovering whether one of the partners has a potential divorce in mind.
Here are some short questions to ask before getting married:
- Are you in a profession of your own choosing?
- How many hours do you work per week?
- Why is your job necessary?
- Can we call you ‘workaholic’?
- What is your retirement plan, what do you plan to do when you stop working?
- Do you see your job as a career or just a job?
- Have you ever had to end your relationship because of your job?
- Which country in the world would you like to live in?
- Do you prefer city or rural areas?
- Do you see your house as a cocoon or is your door open to everyone?
- Do you prefer the silence in your home or the view in the background?
- What is your annual income?
- Has anyone ever called you ‘stingy’?
- Should the person have their own separate accounts in addition to the joint accounts within the marriage?
- Should you jointly pay the bills with your spouse?
- Could money be a factor in breaking up a relationship?
- Have you felt insecure in a relationship?
- Did the man you love fell in love with someone else while you were with you? What did you experience when you found out about this?
- How long was your longest relationship? So why did it end?
- Do you believe your past relationships are a thing of the past and your current relationship?
- What sexual activities do you enjoy? Are there certain sexual behaviors that bother you?
- What is your mood supposed to be for sex?
- What was your family’s attitude towards sexuality, how did you learn about sexuality?
- Do you believe in the imperative of sexual fidelity for a good marriage?
- How often do you expect sexuality?
- Do you think sexual dissatisfaction spoils the marriage?
- How would you describe your current health status?
- Have you ever had a serious illness or surgery?
- Does anyone in your family have cancer or heart disease? Do you have a genetic disease?
- Do you have health insurance?
- Do you do sports? How often?
- Can you take sports or exercise classes?
- Have you had a serious accident?
- Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease?
- Have you been treated for a mental disorder?
- Is there any medication you use regularly?
- Do you consume insurance and alcohol?
- Are health problems a reason to end the relationship?
- How important is it to you to be good looking?
- How important is your spouse’s appearance to you?
- Is weight control important? Does your spouse’s weight matter to you?
- How much money do you spend on clothing?
- Are you worried about aging and changing your appearance?
- What would your reaction be if your partner’s limb was lost?
- Is appearance a reason for the relationship to end?
Be a parent
- Do you want a child? When do you want it?
- If you weren’t able to have a child, would you see it as an unfulfilled responsibility?
- Who is responsible for birth control? If your lover becomes pregnant as a result of an accident, would you take this responsibility?
- If you could not have a child naturally, would you adopt it?
- Are you against abortion? Would you allow it if your spouse wanted it?
- Are you close to your family?
- Have you found any psychological problems caused by the child you lived with your family?
- How should you and your spouse have relationships with each other’s families?
- Did your parents fight often when you were children? How would you respond to that?
- Do your parents’ decisions still affect you?
- Have you had to end a relationship for your family?
- Is there someone you call ‘my best friend’?
- How many times do you see your friends a week?
- How important are friendships to you?
- Do your friends need you?
- Are your friends or spouse important to you?
- Is it important for you and your spouse to have mutual friends?
- Have you ever broke up with your girlfriend for any of your friends?
- Do you have a dog, cat or any animal you have?
- Have you been attacked by any animal before?
- When you become a family, do you intend to have a pet in your home?
- What would your reaction be if your spouse brought home an animal even though you don’t want to?
Holidays and birthdays
- Is celebrating birthdays important to you?
- Are special occasions important for preserving family tradition?
- Are anniversaries important to you?
- Have you ever broke up with your lover because you forgot a special day?