Witnessing is hard work.
It’s hard to keep looking without turning your head and keeping your focus only on your love.
I am writing this article crying.
One of my spiritual sisters is in the hospital, struggling for life.
My sorrow is like a big bite in my crop.
Whatever I eat or drink, he is not going anywhere, he is stuck there.
Loving means going on knowing that one day you can say goodbye to the person you love. Living knowing that you will die is truly the greatest resistance. I don’t remember who said these, but I can’t be saying this for the first time. It’s such a plain reality.
My grief shows the depth of my love. I mourn because I love it so much. What this intensity of love and the possibility of not seeing my sister again are doing to me.
Essentially, this possibility exists for every relationship, so I guess it would be better to say the grasp of the possibility.
I turn around and look at our photos. I caress her face from the photos. We have the video pulled together the most recent development in Turkey. I’m watching them. I can’t control my tears.
I try to exist with the sadness I feel without saying “You should stay here, you should not die”. Here is where I find it hardest. Because I love so much.
Grief is a kind of initiation process and this process is defined in three stages. The first is breaking away from your current order with a news you have received or an experience you have had.
Second, alienation. After the break, the transition to a place you do not know, different from your old order, you do not feel comfortable and even you cannot recognize yourself. It is very difficult to stay in this area. Essentially, this is the period that we all call mourning. However, when the periods before and after are not mentioned, it is not fully understood what mourning is. Third, return to normal over time. But this return is never a return to the order before the rupture. This is the birth of a new me, with the additions of this process and the cleansing of those that no longer serve you.
I visualize this process in a circle. The start and end point are the same. On this circle, it is traveled many times by everyone living in the world. Not only the mourning process, but every important event we experience comes across as a separate initiation; Transition from childhood to adolescence, getting older, getting married, divorcing, having children, moving out, graduating, getting sick and dying … It’s not my first transition from most of this process, it’s not my first adolescent experience. I continued my life by transforming into a separate Berna in all of them.
What if this process is also for death?
During my son’s illness, I thought long and hard that healing is not just about physical healing. Seeking physical healing is very normal, especially if the person in question is loved. But what if healing has invisible dimensions? What if I just want that person to stay here for the sake of my love?
I can carry my love in my heart, but my heart remains small to carry the mourning that is the brother of love and the uncertainties of life. I want to entrust myself and all my loved ones to the existence of something greater than me. As I remember our small but precious beings in the universe, I can keep my focus on love. Unconditionally and unconditionally. My love will not go anywhere and will keep my loved ones alive as long as I am here. Even though they are dead.
I wish to always remember this.