Dictatorship of mourning |  Life

Dictatorship of mourning | Life

Wednesday, July 21, 2021

Will there be a dictatorship of mourning? Of course it will. Let me tell.

There is an unwritten hierarchy of grieving in society. According to this hierarchy, it is possible to make a list of experiences that deserve the most and least mourning. If your grief is due to the death of a loved one, you may think that you can usually find yourself a place at the top of the list, meaning that your grief will be socially supported, but even this has sub-conditions. Was it your loved one or animal that died, is it still in your tummy or in your lap, old or young, or did they have “bad” habits or not?

I know a woman who had a miscarriage in her seventh week of pregnancy. I know a family whose dog was dead. I know a man whose brother died from a drug overdose. I know a mother/father whose daughter committed suicide.

In all of these, the cause of mourning is death. But unfortunately, mourners do not see the support they need (most likely) around them, they cannot share their grief, they cannot feel understood.

There is also the issue of non-death related mournings, which are often not even included in the list. For example, a job loss, loss of a relationship, migration & relocation, or a difficult birth experience may be considered insignificant and insufficient to grieve.

Because he classifies the mourning without noticing the hierarchy that turns into an order of oppression. It organizes our lives about who can grieve and how much support can be received. While the grieving process already has a complex structure on its own, the mourning deprived/released can become traumatized. On top of that, feeling that we do not live according to the unwritten rules of society can lead to shame, guilt and loneliness.

If you feel that you have been deprived of bereavement, please confirm your own mourning first. Look at your feelings. Be with them without judgment. Slow down. Give yourself time.

Make your grief visible with simple rituals or practices. Having a small ceremony that has meaning to you, writing or drawing on how you feel can help you make them visible.

Try to find people who are in the same situation as you. Talk to. Create your own support groups.

No matter what anyone says, remind yourself, your grief is real. And remember, it is truly a revolutionary act to take care of the mourning you have been denied.

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