Marriage competence, legal from marriage license that you are different In my previous article titled “Why marry? From the eyes of a psychologist …” I stated. Of course, such a legal pre-specification is necessary but not sufficient to marry. Because to marry and to conduct the relationship within this framework being ready or have the skills to achieve this it actually indicates a personal maturity level.
To the criteria I will list below, “Yes, based on my experience and feedback from my environment, I can say that I have them!” If you say, then I would say review the same items by thinking about the person you are thinking of getting married … When you consider your partner, you will be in the position of the “feedback environment” for him.
1- The ability to communicate in a healthy way
Healthy communication is the basis for not only marriage, but also all relationships established throughout life. What is healthy communication? It is a communication where the parties can listen to each other without interrupting the other, what is said is not harmful to the other party, good intentions are protected, emotional awareness and control is ensured, and the ultimate goal is to understand each other. Let me not explain at length the subtleties of the actions of listening and telling here; I just want to emphasize that: both listening and telling are skills that require learning. Before learning the subtleties of them and starting to use them effectively, one should not say “I can communicate very easily”. Telling is not just about expressing yourself, listening is not just waiting for the other person to end his word. It is also very important to maintain good faith throughout communication; It helps to maintain calmness, especially if we are experiencing negative emotions such as anger and resentment. We need to set out by keeping the purpose of communication in a corner of our minds because the aim is neither to pour out the contents nor to comfort the other side. The aim is to “understand” which is a process in itself. In order for you to truly understand a subject, you must have envisioned it in both your mind and heart exactly as it was described. In order to visualize your prejudices, “The right to answer is born!” you can put aside your speech bubbles that shout; In order to be able to enliven your heart, your empathy channels must be open.
2- To know himself well and to be able to evaluate himself honestly
Getting to know yourself well is a life task that can last well into old age. Just as we start the act of breathing when we first open our eyes to the world and continue to live, we should also start the business of knowing ourselves in order to stay in healthy communication with other people and know that this task will not end for life. We use our perceptions and feedback from our environment (our family) to get to know ourselves at an early age. We do not fulfill the task of knowing oneself consciously at a young age, but if we grow up in an environment that understands the importance of this task, we will gain this awareness as soon as possible. We consciously discover and realize our mental, emotional and physical capacities and all our characteristics that make us different from other people. The most important benefit of knowing oneself is the ability to clarify the boundaries between us and other people and to adjust our distance according to this information. The hardest part of getting to know ourselves is being able to recognize and accept our characteristics that directly or indirectly harm us or our environment, in other words, to be able to evaluate them honestly. When human beings are harmed or inflicted, they tend to attribute responsibility for it to a figure outside of themselves. Getting to know ourselves without falling into this trap; To be able to take responsibility for our choices (decisions) and choices and to be ready to make the necessary improvements.
3- To know and respect the concept of borders
In the previous article, we touched on the issue of borders. We can think of boundaries as a system of clarity and security that separates us from other people. If we know ourselves well, we have clarified our choices, the lifestyle we feel safe and happy, what we want to do in the future, and many other things that make us special. We value and take care of all this, namely ourselves, and expect to be respected. This is exactly why we should be able to recognize the limits of the other person and show respect.
4- Not being injured in terms of trust; to have completed his “treatment”, if any
Marriage, as in any partnership relationship, is a union that must be built on the basis of trust. It is healthy that the parties have not experienced a seriously trusting relationship with the person they will marry or with another person in their life before marriage. If you have suffered such a wound and then have not solved this issue in such a way that it will not hurt you anymore, then you are starting your partnership on an unsound ground. This ground will either not support and collapse your partnership, or it will not allow you to walk on it peacefully and develop due to the anxiety that it does not always “either carry it”. When it comes to shaking confidence, this experience does not necessarily have to be deception; It may even be enough to have encountered too many lies and unreserved promises in the past. If you feel insecure prior to marriage, it is either because there is something repeated in your own life story or because of issues that raise questions in your current relationship. In either case, I suggest you get expert support.
5- Having clarified their expectations from marriage
This is the only individual as well as non-general criterion. You can use all the criteria up to this point at any point in your life. However, your expectations from marriage are specific only to this stage. While preparing this list, you can create several categories to keep order in your mind. You can make a list by thinking about your living spaces, thinking about the stages of a long-term relationship, or thinking about the emotions you would prefer to make you feel. These questions may inspire you:
What kind of living space should we have as a married couple?
How should domestic responsibilities be shared?
How should our business life / career be?
How do I prefer to organize our social life / private times?
How can we make economic decisions?
How would it be convenient for me to spend our holidays?
How do our families prefer to maintain our relationships?
What are my expectations from sexual life?
How would I feel like I am married to my spouse?
How can I show him my love, respect, compassion, value, and how do I think he can show me?
Do I want to have children? (If yes) How about my child-rearing style?
What are the precautions I can take / lifestyle I can adopt regarding my advanced health?
This list can be quite long. The important thing is to consider all areas and phases of life and work on questions to reveal as much detail as possible. If you find yourself clear and competent within the framework of all these criteria, including your expectations from marriage (you can also get feedback from your close circle on issues you are not sure about), you will be able to reciprocally within the framework of these five criteria. couple harmony you can reevaluate yourself in terms of This test work of nature, desired to be long-term on the way to marriage He will be a valuable guide to accompany you.
Article: Exp. Psychologist and Couple Therapist Kıvılcım Yücelen